WM 2010 Special

April, 2010


Dear Bert van Marwijk.

We feel very honoured by your request to give advice on the preparations for the Dutch National Football Team.

Hereby, we send you our report with recommendations, as well as a container with all the products and equipment that you need to make use of our innovative technologies.

We hope you will be successful in the implementation of our inventions, and we wish you good luck at the World Championship.

Hup Holland Hup!

The Quatschtronauts.


1) Increase Physical Strength

In addition to the regular football trainings, the Mielathlon Trainer will dramatically increase the physical condition of the players

Select a program, enter the players into the washing Machine and close the door. They will have to swim, cycle and rununtil the workout is finished.

2) Acclimatise for local weather condidions

Each World Championship, players complain about local weather conditions.

We collected African Sunshine last year June.

Please find Enclosed 20 Bottles of liquid Sunshine with the flavour “Cape of Good Hope”

Open the bottle to take a sunbath. After regular exposure to African Sunshine in the next few weeks,

the team will be fully prepared for the local South-African weather conditions.

3) Stimulate Open Communication

An open and honest discussion-culture is key in the Relationship between Players and Coach

Please make sure that at Training Camps, you will not just have meetings, but also heatings and beetings. If you manage to get agreetings, the me-tings will automatically become we-tings, which should be a very important objective for your team-building.

4) Decrease Flight Times

Long Intercontinental Flights have a bad influence of the physical condition of the team.

Therefore we recommend the Eruption Rocket as an alternative way of transportation, to reduce the flight time.

In April, we will launch a so called eruption rocket from the Eyjafjalla and see, how far we can fly together with the erupting ashes.

5) Airport Security

In case the Eruption Rocket will not make it all the way down to South Africa, you will have to rely on conventional air transportation for the team.

Last Christmas, there was a security issue at Schiphol airport.

To avoid any incidents, all passengers on the plane to South-Africa have to be checked with our innovative Body Scanner.

Passing through the brushes, the passenger causes vibrations.

These vibrations are sensed and interpreted by the security official

Depending on the skills and taste of the security guard, the scan will be visualized in different artistic styles.

This way a number of threats have already successfully been be intercepted.

6) Emotional health is as important as Physical Strength.

Once the Players arrive in South Africa, the Telekiss enables the team to kiss long distance with their wives and girlfriends back home

The first prototype was simply a tube with a mouth piece.

With the hydraulic version, one could kiss much more sensitive.

The final electronic product, suits all requirements for long distance kissing.

7) Fast Regeneration.

As some team members have as very intensive schedule this season (for example Arjen Robben at FC Bayern München) you have to be prepared for last-minute injuries.

In case a player needs a last minute Fitness-boost, we invented the Body Toaster.

It’s just like injections moulding. You enter the mould, drink monomuscles, which are polymerized and pressed into shape.

Within less then 30 minutes your stars will be fit and ready to go!

8) Natural Doping to increase Happyness

Of course, Doping is forbidden in Sports. But an international study amongst thousands of birds, provided the key to a natural and legal alternative.

Why are Hummingbirds so much happier and fitter than other birds? Blood analysis proved that this is caused by an unknown neurotransmitter called “Hummingbirdine”, which is very similar to Dopamine

Therefore, shortly before the match begins, all players should be exposed to the same sensory stimuli that a hummingbird experiences when he is searching for food

Bright colours, sweet drinks and 40 Hz vibrations (caused by the dry spinning program) will increase the level of Hummingbirdine and bring the Team up to Speed.

9) Enforce Time Advantage

In Football, Time is THE decisive factor.

The more time you have, the more goals you can make. And way around: If your opponent has less time, he will not score that often.

Therefore, before the final match against Germany, 15 minuts will be removed from the watch of Jogi Löw

But, time cannot simply disappear.

That means, that the MINutes we take from Löw, will be transplanted by way of PLUSutes in your (Bert van Marwijk’s) clock.

This will give the Dutch an enormous advantage, as the team will have 30 Minutes more, to try to get the ball into the goal of the Germans.

We are sure, that the next four weeks will prove the value of our inventions for the Dutch National Team.

Hup Holland Hup!

The Quatschtronauts.“